Mille Teefs: Rally Report
Team WAAAGH (Grimtusk & Skarfang) vs Team DAKKA (Burna & Zogwort) Venue: somewhere with pistachio shells on the table
Round 1. All four engines turn over on the first kick. Four WAAAGH! cards hit the table almost simultaneously, which either means the deck was stacked or Orks have better instincts than they're given credit for. The crowd, if there is one, is not surprised.
Round 2. Zogwort immediately demonstrates the problem with letting Zogwort go last. Two hundred miles on the first real turn, while Grimtusk and Skarfang post a respectable hundred each and Burna puts up twenty-five and calls it strategy.
Round 3. Grimtusk and Skarfang push to 175 apiece. Burna, instead of playing distance, reaches across the table and plays Ram'd on Grimtusk. Grimtusk stops. Burna grins. Zogwort adds 75 miles and is now at 275, alone in front, and has not stopped grinning since Round 2.
Round 4. Grimtusk clears the Ram'd with Mek Wiv Spanners and gets rolling — but can't go anywhere this turn. Burna plays Tread Stolen on Skarfang, which is when Skarfang produces the More Armor card, slightly off-white, written in Sharpie, visibly not from the original deck. Coup Fourré. Burna's turn is gone. Skarfang collects two pistachio shells and plays a bonus 100 miles. Then, on their regular turn, 75 more. Skarfang is at 350. Zogwort, annoyed, plays Too Much Dakka on Grimtusk and caps him at 50-mile cards. Grimtusk's hand is full of large distance cards he cannot use.
Round 5. Burna sits out, paying the Coup Fourré debt. Grimtusk crawls 50 miles under the speed limit. Skarfang — with the Trukk Ram still in hand but no valid target, since Zogwort is hazard-free — plays 100 miles and sits at 450, patient. Zogwort plays Enraged Squiggoth in da Way on Grimtusk. Grimtusk, already speed-limited, is now also stopped. Two hazards, one very unhappy cybork.
Round 6. Grimtusk plays WAAAGH! — clears the Squiggoth, still speed-limited, can't move. Burna plays Outta Fuel on Zogwort. Zogwort now has an active hazard. Skarfang has been waiting for exactly this. The Trukk Ram goes down. Skarfang hits Zogwort's hazarded vehicle, steals the top distance card — 100 miles, thank you — and rockets to 550. The Ram'd token lands on Skarfang's own pile. One pistachio shell joins the two already in front of Skarfang. Zogwort, rather than fume, plays Extra Fuel Drums and becomes permanently immune to fuel hazards. The face of someone who has planned for this eventuality.
Round 7. Grimtusk, still speed-limited, scrapes 50 miles to 275. Burna tries Tread Stolen on Skarfang again. More Armor is still active. It has always been active. It will always be active. Burna's turn evaporates. Skarfang plays WAAAGH!, clears the Ram'd, can't move. Zogwort plays 100 miles and reaches 375, quiet and methodical, running in second place and not drawing attention to it.
Round 8. Grimtusk manages 50 more under the speed limit, reaching 325. Burna plays Squiggoth Enrage on Grimtusk — stopped again, third time — and acquires what might be a strategy. Skarfang plays Overcharge alongside 100 miles. The table goes quiet. The die comes up 4. The Overcharge works. Two hundred miles. Skarfang is at 750. Another pistachio shell. Zogwort plays 100 miles, reaches 475, and says nothing.
Round 9. Burna plays WAAAGH! on Grimtusk — a partner remedy across the table, clearing the Squiggoth. Grimtusk is rolling again, still speed-limited, still full of large cards he can't use. Skarfang plays 50 miles. Reaches 800. Zogwort plays 100 miles. Reaches 575. The math is becoming clear to everyone.
Round 10. Grimtusk plays Tread Stolen on Burna, which stops Burna but does not improve Grimtusk's situation at all. Spite as strategy. Burna plays Looted Tread, clears it, draws a card, and stays at 25 miles — the remedy used the turn. Skarfang plays 25 miles, reaches 825. Zogwort plays 75 miles, reaches 650. The gap between first and last is now 800 miles. Grimtusk is last.
Round 11. Grimtusk plays Ram'd on Zogwort. Zogwort, who has been holding the Grot Bomm since Round 1 like a weapon at a formal dinner, finally sets it down. The Grot Bomm goes off. The Ram'd is negated. The die rolls for redirect: 2. Random opponent. Second roll, odd or even: 5, odd. The Ram'd bounces directly back onto Grimtusk. Grimtusk is stopped. Again. Zogwort picks up a pistachio shell, the first of the game, with quiet satisfaction. Burna clears the Tread Stolen and gets moving. Skarfang plays 50 miles. Eight hundred and seventy-five. Zogwort plays 100 miles. Seven hundred and fifty.
Round 12. Grimtusk clears the Ram'd with Mek Wiv Spanners. Still speed-limited. Still going nowhere fast. Burna plays 100 miles, reaches 125. Skarfang plays 50 miles and is at 925. Seventy-five miles from winning. Zogwort plays Ram'd on Skarfang. More Armor is immune to Tread Stolen, not Ram'd. Skarfang stops at 925, 75 miles short, and puts the hand down.
Round 13. Grimtusk looks at the hand: Looted Tread, 25 miles, 50 miles, Too Much Dakka. Looks at Skarfang, stopped at 925. Plays Looted Tread on Skarfang's pile. Partner remedy. The Ram'd clears. Grimtusk draws a card and is done — the remedy was the turn. Burna plays 100 miles, reaches 225, is not going to win this race. Skarfang picks up the 75-mile card. Puts it down. One thousand miles.
Team WAAAGH wins.
FINAL TITLES:
Skarfang — Da Red Baron. Won the race. Highest Teefs. Caused the Trukk Ram, survived two hazard stacks, landed the Overcharge, crossed the line with four pistachio shells in front of them. Won correctly.
Zogwort — Broke Down Brilliantly. 750 miles. The Grot Bomm landed perfectly. The Extra Fuel Drums were premeditated. Got outrun by a partner remedy in the final turn. Everyone remembers the redirect.
Grimtusk — Dead Last, No Excuses. 325 miles. Speed-limited for most of the race. Stopped four times. The Da Mek's Workshop sat in hand for three rounds and was never played. Zero Teefs. The Squiggoth judged you.
Burna — Victory, Somehow... inverted. 225 miles, zero Teefs. The Coup Fourré setup worked once and then More Armor was active forever. The second Tread Stolen attempt should perhaps have been reconsidered.