Mille Teefs
A Poorhammer Hack Pack for Mille Bornes
You found a copy of Mille Bornes at a thrift store for two dollars. Good. You're going to need a Sharpie.
This is not a new game. This is a conversion kit — a few pages of instructions for turning a copy of Mille Bornes into Mille Teefs, a game about Orks racing across a scrapyard planet in looted, spiked, dakka-spewing vehicles, earning Teefs for spectacular stupidity, and occasionally winning the race.
You will need:
- One copy of Mille Bornes (thrift stores, garage sales, the back of a relative's closet)
- One Sharpie, or equivalent permanent marker
- Eight index cards
- One six-sided die
- Something to use as Teefs — pennies, pistachio shells, dried pasta, fries or tots if you're playing at a bar. Anything handy.
- The standard Mille Bornes rules, which still apply unless noted here
Players: 2–6 (best with 4, teams of 2) Time: 30–45 minutes Win condition: First to 1,000 miles. Unchanged. The miles stay miles.
Part One: The Sharpie Work
Before you play, go through the deck and cross out the original card names. Write the new names above them. The art stays. The art is now funnier for being wrong.
Do not rush this. This is the game beginning.
Hazards
| Cross out | Write instead |
|---|---|
| Flat Tire | Tread Stolen |
| Out of Gas | Outta Fuel |
| Accident | Ram'd |
| Stop | Enraged Squiggoth in da Way |
| Speed Limit | Too Much Dakka |
Remedies
| Cross out | Write instead |
|---|---|
| Spare Tire | Looted Tread |
| Gasoline | More Petrol! |
| Repairs | Mek Wiv Spanners |
| Go | WAAAGH! |
Safeties
| Cross out | Write instead |
|---|---|
| Right of Way | Red Paint Job |
| Puncture-Proof | More Armor |
| Extra Tank | Extra Fuel Drums |
| Driving Ace | Nob Driver |
Distance Cards
Leave these alone. Miles are miles. 1,000 is still the number.
Part Two: The New Cards
Write these onto index cards and shuffle them into the deck. They should look slightly wrong — slightly off-white, slightly wrong-sized, visibly not from the original deck. This is correct. They were added by someone with opinions and a Sharpie. That someone is you.
TRUKK RAM ×2
Play on any opponent who has a Hazard active on their pile. Steal their top Distance card and add it to your own mileage. Then place a Ram'd on yourself. You hit them. You also hit you. This earns 1 Teef.
GROT BOMM ×2
Play out of turn, immediately when a Hazard is played against you. Negate the Hazard. Then roll a die: 1–3: The Hazard lands on a random opponent instead. 4–6: It's just gone. The Bomm worked. Mostly. Earns 1 Teef either way. The uncertainty is the point.
OVERCHARGE ×2
Play alongside any Distance card. Double its mileage value. Then roll a die: 1–2: It blows up. Discard the Distance card. Place Ram'd on yourself. Earns 2 Teefs. The failure is the glory. 3–6: It works. Take the doubled mileage. Earns 1 Teef. You are briefly the fastest vehicle on a scrapyard planet.
SQUIGGOTH ENRAGE ×1
Play instead of your normal turn. Gain 200 miles immediately. Then roll a die: 1–2: Place your top Hazard on yourself. 3–4: Place it on the opponent with the most miles. 5–6: Place it on the opponent with the most Teefs. Cannot be remedied this turn by anyone. Earns 1 Teef regardless of result.
The Squiggoth does not care whose side you're on.
DA MEK'S WORKSHOP ×1
Discard two Looted Tread cards from your hand. Remove all Hazards from your pile. All of them. Earns 1 Teef if you had three or more Hazards active when played. Earns 2 Teefs if one of those Hazards was self-inflicted. The Mek has arrived. The Mek has opinions about what happened here.
Part Three: Teefs
Teefs are the secondary currency of Mille Teefs. They are not Glory. They are not victory points. They are Teefs.
What to use: Pennies. Pistachio shells. Dried pasta. Tater tots if you're at a bar. Whatever's on the table. One physical object per Teef. Keep your pile in front of you where everyone can see it.
Earning Teefs: The new cards specify when Teefs are earned. In addition:
| Moment | Teefs |
|---|---|
| Trukk Ram succeeds | 1 |
| Overcharge succeeds | 1 |
| Overcharge fails (self-inflicted Ram'd) | 2 |
| Grot Bomm played (any result) | 1 |
| Squiggoth Enrage played (any result) | 1 |
| Da Mek's Workshop clears 3+ Hazards | 1 |
| Da Mek's Workshop clears a self-inflicted Hazard | +1 |
| Coup Fourré (standard Mille Bornes rule, still applies) | 1 |
| Any Safety played as Coup Fourré | 2 |
Spending Teefs: You may spend your entire Teef pile — every single one, nothing held back — to take one Redo. A Redo lets you either:
- Discard your hand and draw a fresh one, or
- Cancel a card you just played and return it to your hand
You cannot spend fewer than all of them. You cannot save some. Teefs are for spending, not hoarding. This is how Orks work.
Edible Teefs may be eaten at any time. Eaten Teefs are immediately removed from play. If you spend Teefs for a Redo, you must eat all edible Teefs currently in your pile. Teefs already eaten do not count, because you already spent them on being hungry. Quietly reducing your pile beforehand is legal, cowardly, and probably strategically sound. The table is allowed to mock you.
At game end:
- Most Teefs breaks a tie if two players reach 1,000 miles in the same round.
- Most Teefs also earns a title (see Endings).
- Otherwise they are bragging rights. Which is enough.
Part Four: Endings
When a player reaches 1,000 miles, the race ends. Consult the table. Every player gets a result. Read them aloud. This takes thirty seconds and is worth doing.
| Result | Title |
|---|---|
| Won the race, lowest Teefs | Victory, Somehow. Got there. Didn't make it interesting. |
| Won the race, middling Teefs | Propa Speedboss. Won correctly. The vehicle is embarrassingly intact. |
| Won the race, most Teefs | Da Red Baron. Won AND caused chaos AND has the Teefs to prove it. Reserved for the truly blessed. |
| Lost the race, lowest Teefs | Dead Last, No Excuses. Nothing to show. The Squiggoth is judging you. |
| Lost the race, middling Teefs | Broke Down Brilliantly. Lost the race. Everyone remembers why. This is acceptable. |
| Lost the race, most Teefs | Legendary Stupidity. Lost the race. Has the most Teefs. The Squiggoth Enrage hit a teammate. The Grot Bomm went sideways. The Overcharge failed twice. You are already telling someone about this. |
A player who achieves Legendary Stupidity has not lost. They have simply won something the race did not offer.
Part Five: Teams
For 4 players, split into teams of 2. Partners sit across from each other.
What changes:
- Partners may play Remedies on each other's piles.
- Partners may not play Hazards on each other. Intentionally. The Squiggoth Enrage does not respect this rule.
- Teefs are tracked individually. A partner achieving Legendary Stupidity while you win the race is a completely valid team outcome. Arguably the best one.
- First team to have both players complete 1,000 miles wins the match. Or first team to have one player complete it, by prior agreement. Decide before you start. This is the only rule that requires discussion.
Part Six: Campaign (Optional)
A campaign is two or three legs of racing. Between legs:
What resets: Miles. Hazards. Hands. The deck reshuffles.
What carries over: Teefs. All of them, unspent. This is the only moment where holding Teefs has value — the player who ends a leg with the most Teefs starts the next leg with a one-card hand advantage (draw 7 instead of 6 on your first draw). Then their Teef count resets to zero. Spent or not, they're gone. The advantage was the advantage.
Between legs: Someone describes what happened to the vehicles overnight. This takes as long as it takes. The Mek fixed something. Something else broke. The Squiggoth is still there. Nobody knows whose Squiggoth it is.
The Full Card Inventory
For reference: what you're working with after conversion.
From the original deck (renamed): 25 Distance cards (×10 each of 25, 50, 75, 100, 200 miles — exact counts vary by edition; use whatever your copy has) Hazards: Tread Stolen, Outta Fuel, Ram'd, Enraged Squiggoth in da Way, Too Much Dakka Remedies: Looted Tread, More Petrol!, Mek Wiv Spanners, WAAAGH! Safeties: Red Paint Job, More Armor, Extra Fuel Drums, Nob Driver
Added on index cards: Trukk Ram ×2 Grot Bomm ×2 Overcharge ×2 Squiggoth Enrage ×1 Da Mek's Workshop ×1
Total new cards: 8. One index card each. Written in Sharpie. Slightly wrong-sized. Visibly not from the original deck. This is correct.
Quick Reference (Copy This Onto One Index Card)
Your turn: Draw to 6. Play one card. New cards allow bonus actions.
Teefs: Earn them per the table. Spend ALL of them for one Redo. Edible Teefs may be eaten at any time. Eaten Teefs are gone. Spend ALL remaining Teefs for one Redo. Quietly eating some first is legal. The table is allowed to mock you.
Squiggoth: Does not care whose side you're on.
Win: 1,000 miles. Ties broken by Teefs.
The Mek: Fixes everything, but only after it has become funny.
Mille Teefs is an unofficial fan hack of Mille Bornes. Mille Bornes is the property of Dujardin / Winning Moves. Warhammer 40,000 is the property of Games Workshop. No challenge to those trademarks is intended or implied. This document may be freely shared, printed, and transmitted. Do not sell it. Do not claim it is official. Do tell people where you got it. Do put it in a repo somewhere.