Born to Be Waaagh!
A Brutal & Kunnin' Road Trip · Three Boyz · One Road · No Plan
DA BOYZ
Three Ork Speed Freeks on their way to a Waaagh. They are not friends. They are just going the same direction. The fact that they keep choosing to go the same direction is not discussed.
Each player picks a role:
| Role | Vibe | Bonus |
|---|---|---|
| Da Lead | In front. Therefore in charge. Don't question it. | +1 die when giving orders nobody asked for |
| Da Quiet One | Only shouts at conversational volume. Possibly deep. | +1 die when doing something alone |
| Da Passenger | Picked up two stops back. Won't stop talking. Possibly insane. | +1 die when making things worse socially |
Name: Orkify a film icon. Dennis Choppa, Shoota Fonda, Mork Nicholson, or your own.
Number: Choose from 2 to 5 on the BRUTAL ↔ KUNNIN' axis.
2 DEAD BRUTAL · 3 BRUTAL · 4 KUNNIN' · 5 PROPER KUNNIN'Start with: 3 Guzzoline (fuel, currency, and bargaining power), a bike, and one item lashed to the frame (shoota, choppa, squig in a sidecar, mystery crate, spare engine, etc.)
DA ROLL
When you do something risky, roll 1d6. Normal Orky behavior just happens.
Roll < your number → BRUTAL. You solve the problem by driving through it. Literally. Loudly. Gain +1 Guzzoline.
Roll > your number → KUNNIN'. You convince the others the detour was intentional. Or you fix something with spit and wire. Gain advantage on next roll OR quietly siphon 1 Guzzoline.
Roll = your number → WAAAGH!!! You succeed AND everything goes sideways. All three boyz are now involved whether they wanted to be or not. Gain +2 Guzzoline, then roll on Da Road Hazard table.
Failure: You crash, stall, get lost, or embarrass yourself in front of the others. Lose 1 Guzzoline. The other two saw it.
BOY VS BOY
Both roll. Brutal beats Kunnin' head-on. Kunnin' beats Brutal if the setup was in place. WAAAGH beats everything but pulls everyone in. Same type? Highest roll. Tied? Bikes collide. Both lose 1 Guzzoline. Someone's mirror breaks off.
NPCs & DA ROAD
The GM rolls 1d6 for encounters. Bosses, warbands, and Imperial checkpoints roll 2d6 keep best.
"Da road don't care about yer number, git."
GUZZOLINE
Guzzoline is fuel, status, and survival. At 0 Guzzoline, your bike sputters out. You're walking. The others might wait. They probably won't.
Spend Guzzoline to:
- 1 Guzzoline: Patch the bike, bribe a grot, avoid one consequence
- 2 Guzzoline: Reroll one die, jury-rig an upgrade, recruit a temporary follower
- 3 Guzzoline: Declare "Dat woz a shortcut" (retcon one navigational disaster)
DA ROAD HAZARD TABLE
When someone rolls WAAAGH, roll d6:
| d6 | WOT'S IN DA ROAD |
|---|---|
| 1 | The road stops existing. Cliff, canyon, or swamp. Decide fast. |
| 2 | Rival warband coming the other direction. They also think they have right of way. |
| 3 | Imperial checkpoint. A very tired Guardsman asks for identification. Orks do not have identification. |
| 4 | One of the bikes is on fire. Has been for a while, apparently. Nobody noticed. |
| 5 | Something enormous in the dust ahead. Squiggoth? Titan? Diner? Only one way to find out. |
| 6 | All three bikes suddenly go the same speed. This is intolerable. Race to the death (or at least the next landmark). |
DA JOURNEY
Play through 4–6 legs of the road trip. The GM picks or rolls d6 for each leg:
| d6 | DA LEG |
|---|---|
| 1 | Open Road. Nothing ahead but dust and speed. Someone will start an argument about directions. This is the scene. |
| 2 | Settlement. A ramshackle town. Refuel, rearm, get into trouble. At least one local has a grudge, a deal, or a challenge. |
| 3 | Breakdown. Something on someone's bike gives up. Fixing it requires cooperation. Cooperation requires suppressing every instinct. |
| 4 | Rival Encounter. Another warband, a speed freak gang, or worse — Orks going to a different Waaagh. Insults are mandatory. |
| 5 | Camp. Night falls. Fire. Squig rations. This is the scene where, in a normal road movie, someone would say something vulnerable. The Ork version is one of them says something accidentally profound while complaining about their engine. |
| 6 | Weird Thing. Something that doesn't belong here. A shrine. A stranded Eldar. A perfectly intact diner with no one inside. Investigate or drive past. Both are dangerous. |
DA ARGUMENT TABLE
Once per leg, the boyz will argue. Roll d6 for what about:
| d6 | WOT'Z DA PROBLEM |
|---|---|
| 1 | Which direction the Waaagh actually is. The map is upside down. Or on fire. Or both. |
| 2 | Whose bike is faster. This can only be settled empirically and dangerously. |
| 3 | Who is actually in charge of this trip. Da Lead assumes it's settled. It is not settled. |
| 4 | Whether to stop or keep going. Someone is hungry. Someone else thinks stopping is for grots. |
| 5 | Something Da Passenger said three legs ago that is only now being processed. |
| 6 | Nothing specific. Just a general energy. Someone looked at someone wrong. Or breathed weird. |
Arguments are resolved by Ork vs Ork rules. The loser has to ride at the back for the next leg. This is deeply humiliating.
DA CAMPFIRE RULE
During Camp scenes, each boy can say one thing to the group. It will be ignored, misunderstood, or answered with a grunt. But the player to your left must secretly write down what their character would have said back, if Orks had the emotional vocabulary for it. Read these aloud at the end of the game. Do not discuss them in character. Ever.
DA FINAL LEG: ARRIVAL
The last scene is always the same: you reach the Waaagh.
Each boy rolls one final time. The result determines how they arrive:
- Brutal: You charge in screaming. Immediate combat. Glorious.
- Kunnin': You hang back, find a position, pick your moment. Suspiciously tactical.
- WAAAGH: You arrive and the Waaagh gets bigger. You were the missing piece. The whole battlefield shifts.
- Failure: You crash at the gates. The Waaagh goes on without you. You'll catch up. Probably.
Whoever has the most Guzzoline at arrival is declared Road Boss and gets to say one sentence about the trip. It will be wrong about every detail, and the other two will furiously disagree, and this argument will last longer than the Waaagh itself.
OPTIONAL: DA SOUNDTRACK
Each boy picks one song that plays when they do something cool. It's always the same song. They never explain why. The other two hate it but have stopped complaining because complaining didn't work.
TONE RULE: PLAY THE FRIENDSHIP COMPLETELY STRAIGHT, EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THE CHARACTERS WOULD USE THAT WORD. THEY ARE NOT FRIENDS. THEY ARE JUST GOING THE SAME DIRECTION. DO NOT DISCUSS WHY THEY KEEP CHOOSING THIS.
A Brutal & Kunnin' hack inspired by Lasers & Feelings by John Harper · Setting riffs on a universe by Games Workshop · Film riffs on a universe by Dennis Hopper · Unofficial · Unauthorized · Fueled by squig grease and laughter