White Plume Mountain: Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Relics
Based on the classic D&D module by E. Gary Gygax, reimagined through Guy Ritchie's cinematic eye
FADE IN:
INT. MAGICAL CLONE VAT - NIGHT
A bubbling, neon-green vat hisses under flickering arcane runes. NOX (30s, tiefling, sharp suit, sharper tongue) thrashes inside, half-submerged. BLACKRAZOR, a glowing sword, hums in his hand, screaming telepathically.
NOX (V.O.)
Now, you’re probably wondering how I ended up neck-deep in lava golem piss, with a sentient sword screaming in my head and a holy knight trying to decapitate me with a frying pan. Well, like all good stories, it starts with a narcissistic wizard, a missing relic, and a dungeon that thinks it’s a goddamn character in its own novel.
CUT TO:
FREEZE FRAME - NOX’S FACE, SMIRKING
NOX (V.O.)
Name’s Nox. I do illusions, mostly. Big ones. Stage magic. I once convinced a red dragon he was late for a wedding. True story.
FREEZE FRAME - CRANKSHAFT, WARFORGED, BATTLEAXE GLEAMING
NOX (V.O.)
Crankshaft. Built for murder. Rebuilt for janitorial services. It’s been a rough five centuries.
FREEZE FRAME - HEXIE, SORCERESS, TATTOOS PULSING
NOX (V.O.)
Hexie. Blood sorceress. Banned from three planes and one romantic poetry society. Possibly dating a sentient ooze.
FREEZE FRAME - KERAPTIS, WIZARD, SMUG HOLOGRAM
NOX (V.O.)
Keraptis. The boss. Arrogant. Missing. May have uploaded himself into a pipe organ. Calls himself ‘the Architect.’ We think he’s a magical hoarder with god complex issues.
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE PLUME MOUNTAIN - THRONE ROOM - DAY
A chaotic mess of arcane junk. KERAPTIS’ throne is empty, mid-rant notes on leyline taxation scattered. NOX, CRANKSHAFT, and HEXIE stare at a flickering hologram of KERAPTIS, glitching out.
NOX
He’s buggered off. Again.
CRANKSHAFT
(rumbling)
Last time he did this, the mimics unionized.
HEXIE
(lighting a cigarette with a spell)
Relics are waking up. Blackrazor’s already whining about its destiny.
A distant SCREAM as a trap door eats its own gears. The dungeon SHUDDERS.
NOX
Right. Job’s simple: grab Blackrazor before it starts a bloody TED Talk.
SMASH CUT TO:
MONTAGE - THE RECON
QUICK CUTS, PULSING ROCK TRACK:
- HEXIE slices her palm, slaps blood on parchment. It writhes into a living dungeon map, hissing and flinching.
- CRANKSHAFT pops open a thigh compartment, revealing a mini forge. He hammers a glowing skeleton key.
- NOX conjures an illusory badge: “Official Dungeon Safety Inspector,” embossed seal, magical QR code scanning itself.
NOX (V.O.)
Step one: prep like you’re robbing a god who’s already paranoid.
CUT TO:
INT. DUNGEON CORRIDOR - LATER
The crew dodges jets of BOILING MERCURY. A trap misfires, spraying glitter. A magic mirror CRACKLES to life mid-dodge.
KERAPTIS (PRE-RECORDED)
If you’re watching this, I’m either dead, in hiding, or terribly bored. Do not touch the relics. Do not pet the lava wolves. And whatever you do—oh dear, is that a paladin?
The mirror fizzles. CRANKSHAFT swings his axe, slips into janitor mode.
CRANKSHAFT
Commencing mop sequence. Blood detected.
HEXIE
(yanking him)
Not now, tin man!
BLACKRAZOR (telepathic, dramatic)
This foe is beneath me.
NOX
Shut it, you shiny butter knife.
CUT TO:
INT. RIDDLE TRAP CHAMBER
SIR GAWP (paladin, absurdly shiny), KNIVES (halfling rogue, all teeth), ELMINSTER-BUT-HORNIER (wizard, cursed book), and SUSAN (cleric, vague divine glow) perform an INTERPRETIVE DANCE to escape a riddle trap. It works. Somehow.
NOX (V.O.)
Actual intruders? They’re fine. Bastards.
NOX impersonates KERAPTIS’ voice, shouting at the dungeon.
NOX
Oi, security! It’s me, the Architect! Stand down!
A CONFETTI CANNON explodes. The crew blinks, covered in glitter.
CUT TO:
INT. CURSED MIRROR ROOM
NOX and HEXIE stare at their reflections. A flash—NOX is in HEXIE’S body, HEXIE in NOX’S. They draw weapons.
HEXIE (in NOX’S body)
Touch my tattoos, and I’ll skin you.
NOX (in HEXIE’S body)
Your body smells like regret and brimstone.
They lunge. Swords CLASH. BLACKRAZOR chimes in.
BLACKRAZOR (telepathic)
Have you considered vengeance today?
FLASHBACK:
INT. DUNGEON FORGE - CENTURIES AGO
CRANKSHAFT, younger, hammers glowing runes into a trap mechanism.
NOX (V.O.)
Crankshaft’s got history here. Used to build this place. Called it his “artisan metalwork” phase.
CUT TO:
INT. RELIC CHAMBER - NIGHT
Everyone converges. BLACKRAZOR floats, whispering promises. Half the room swoons.
BLACKRAZOR
(telepathic, sultry)
Fame. Power. Free dental.
SIR GAWP charges. KNIVES backstabs ELMINSTER-BUT-HORNIER. SUSAN prays to… herself? NOX casts an illusion, making everyone think they’re holding the sword.
NOX
Amateurs.
HEXIE (grinning)
I’m betraying you lot.
A WILD MAGIC SURGE—HEXIE’s spell backfires, swapping her allegiance to… herself. She blinks, confused.
CRANKSHAFT rips out magical wires. ALARMS BLARE: “Relic Lockdown Protocol: Terminal Edition.”
A FIREBALL erupts—oops. The dungeon RUMBLES, collapsing. KERAPTIS appears as a FLOATING HEAD on a GOLDFISH BODY.
KERAPTIS
You imbeciles! This is MY masterpiece!
CRANKSHAFT
(shrugging)
Needs more spikes.
HEXIE impersonates KERAPTIS.
HEXIE
Dungeon, it’s me! Open the bloody exit!
A RUST MONSTER MARIACHI BAND spawns, playing a jaunty tune. The crew bolts, BLACKRAZOR in tow. The dungeon IMPLODES.
CUT TO:
EXT. WHITE PLUME MOUNTAIN - DAWN
The crew, battered, glares at the smoking ruins. NOX holds BLACKRAZOR, which mutters about “better gigs.”
NOX (V.O.)
They say you can’t con a conman. That’s bollocks. All you need is a dysfunctional family, a sword with a complex, and a dungeon dumb enough to forget who really runs the show.
FREEZE FRAME on the crew. SLOW ZOOM OUT.
SMASH TO BLACK.
MUSIC: The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go” kicks in.
ROLL CREDITS.
POST-CREDITS SCENE:
INT. ALCHEMICAL VAULT - UNKNOWN LOCATION
Darkness. A single torch ignites. A gaunt hand uncorks a soul jar. KERAPTIS’ voice echoes.
KERAPTIS (V.O.)
Well. That went about as well as expected. Let’s try Plan B. Wake up the originals.
CLOSE-UP on three dusty glass coffins, labeled:
- “BLACKRAZOR V0.1: UNSTABLE”
- “HEXIE (PRIME) – CONTAIN WITH CAUTION”
- “NOX? DON’T.”
SMASH TO BLACK.
THE END.