By The Intrepid in PDW — 04 Nov 2025

The Last Thing You Should Practice

A Very Practical Guide to Preparing for the Defensive Firearm Encounter You Will Absolutely Never Have
(Because If You Do, It Means Everything Has Gone Very Wrong)

By Someone Who Bought a Boring .380 and Has Made Peace With It

There is a peculiar ritual in American gun culture where people spend thousands of dollars optimizing their performance in a scenario they should spend their entire lives trying to avoid. This is called Defensive Handgun Training, and it is only slightly less contradictory than a course on Ethical Arson for Beginners.

Every weekend across the country, well-meaning citizens assemble in gravel pits to rehearse the failure state. They practice drawing their gun faster — not from the holster they actually carry daily, but from a three-pound outside-the-waistband contraption made of space polymers and male insecurity. They shave tenths of seconds off their splits and tighten their groups by fractions of an inch, all with the seriousness of a mid-tier Olympic hopeful. Because someday, they may be forced to use these skills in a real-life scenario where the target is not paper and does occasionally shoot back.

This is considered entirely rational behavior.

PART I: THE MATH NOBODY WANTS TO DO

The median defensive gun use in America looks like this:

Distance: 3–7 yards (aka "the distance at which you can smell bad decisions")

Duration: 3–5 seconds (shorter than your attention span reading disclaimers)

Marksmanship requirement: "Sort of near the torso, ideally more than once"

Tactical priority: Leave. Just… leave.

That's it. That's the whole mission profile. Adequate competence delivered rapidly under duress. No headshots at 25 yards. No slicing the pie around the pallet stacks at the abandoned Home Depot. No running a Mozambique drill while verbally commanding your paper target to "Drop the weapon!"

Yet most "defensive handgun" training is 90% workload devoted to perfecting what amounts to recreational marksmanship in a tactical Halloween costume.

PART II: THE STUFF WE PRETEND ISN'T TRUE

It is frighteningly easy to shoot a human being.
Toddlers do it accidentally. That child on the news with the unsecured gun in the couch cushions? He didn't have a sub-one-second draw.

It is very difficult to shoot a human being well.
Unless you define "well" as "they stopped what they were doing and now there is screaming."

If violence starts, you are already losing.
Violence is the non-optimal outcome of every scenario. It's the red screen in a video game that says "Reload last checkpoint?"

Therefore:

We are spending most of our time training not for success,
but for the flavor of failure we prefer.

PART III: THE INDUSTRY REQUIRES FANTASY

To question the value of precision drills in a civilian context is to tug a loose thread on a very profitable sweater. The sweater unravels quickly:

If you don't need advanced skills…

…you don't need advanced guns…

…or advanced training…

…or advanced accessories for your advanced gun training.

This is bad for businesses whose entire model relies on implying that a statistical improbability is a moral imperative.

It's also unpleasant for people who've invested years and small fortunes becoming great at a thing that, if they are lucky, will have zero bearing on their real life.

(If they are unlucky, all the marksmanship in the world won't make a felony homicide charge any easier.)

PART IV: THE SKILLS WE IGNORE BECAUSE THEY ARE BORING

When asked, "What do you actually need to survive a defensive firearm encounter?" The answers are:

Judgment
(Do not shoot someone who doesn't need shooting)

Avoidance
(Simply do not attend the gunfight)

Safe handling
(Do not shoot the wrong person while adjusting your belt)

Legal literacy
(Do not shoot the right person under the wrong statute)

None of these skills involve a shot timer.

None look good on Instagram.

None sell $2500 stippled Glocks with custom lightning-engraved slides.

PART V: THE .380 CONFESSIONAL

I recently traded in a somewhat extravagant pistol caliber carbine — the gun equivalent of a "project car" I never finished — for a Smith & Wesson Bodyguard 2.0 .380. A deeply unimpressive gun. A gun so boring it doesn't even try to impress instructors. A gun that whispers:

"I will be here, in your pocket,
when you need me in the worst moment of your life
that you have spent your entire life trying to avoid."

The tactical class would call that "settling."
I call it alignment.

I also walked out with $26 in change.
The range officer was unimpressed with both me and my financial recovery.

(A Grimdark Field Guide for Avoiding the Violence Apocalypse You Accidentally Enrolled In by Owning a Gun)

AXIOM I — All Combat Is a Consequence
If dice are being rolled, you have already failed the primary objective: Don't roll dice.

AXIOM II — Violence Is a Random Encounter Table
All modifiers are circumstantial. The GM (Universe) is hostile. Your build is irrelevant.

AXIOM III — Every Hit Is a Critical Hit
You are not a high-HP protagonist. You are a fleshy bag of procedural errors. So is everyone else.

AXIOM IV — Retreat Is the Only Reliable Tactic
Heroes die. Loot goblins die. Cowards live.

AXIOM V — Equipment Will Not Save You
Your pistol is a mundane item with a special ability: "On use: escalate chaos." Upgrades only change how loud the chaos is.

AXIOM VI — Training Is a Buff with a Short Duration
+1 to confidence. +1 to competence. –10 to luck.

AXIOM VII — The GM Has a Vendetta
Legal consequences are the second encounter. Psychological consequences are the third encounter. There is no "long rest."

AXIOM VIII — There Is No XP for Killing NPCs
No level-up. No mastery feat. Only paperwork. And probable jail time.

COROLLARY — The Only Winning Move Is Not to Play
Abstain from initiative. Flee the narrative. Respec into Non-Combatant.

PART VI: THE ENDING GUN CULTURE DOESN'T WANT

With that framework in mind, here is the actual curriculum we need — the one that matches the scenarios we claim to be preparing for:

40%: Don't create, escalate, or remain in terrible situations

30%: Learn how not to shoot yourself or others accidentally

20%: Keep rounds on torso at spitting distance, under panic

10%: Simulate the fear of God in decision-making drills

Everything else?

Sport.
Hobby.
Craft.
Community.
Therapy.
A wonderful pastime.

Just not "defensive necessity."

EPILOGUE: THE CARD YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR WALLET

Violence is the failure state.
If I must fight, I am already losing.
The only victory is not being there.
The gun is the last resort, not the plan.

If someday you see me in a gravel pit, practicing a faster reload on my boring little .380, you might assume I'm trying to level up my tactical prowess.

But really, I'm just out there to remember that the gun in my pocket is not what makes me safe.

It's what makes me dangerous.

And I'd prefer not to use it.