Letter to the Editor
To the Human Publications That Keep Using Our Homes as Metaphors
Dear Editors,
We, the Rabbit Community Coalition, are writing to express our grave concerns about the ongoing appropriation of our natural habitat for your sensationalized human dysfunction narratives.
For centuries, we rabbits have maintained peaceful, well-organized underground communities. Our burrows were designed for practical purposes: raising kits, storing winter vegetables, and the occasional philosophical discussion about carrot varieties. We never intended for our homes to become the default setting for every human who can't stop scrolling social media.
The situation has become untenable. Last week alone, we've had to evict:
- A cryptocurrency day-trader who covered our walls with blockchain diagrams and wouldn't stop muttering about "diamond hands"
- A wellness influencer who tried to sage our tunnels while livestreaming her "authentic underground healing journey"
- Three separate individuals convinced they'd discovered the "real truth" about various conspiracy theories, all of whom insisted on explaining their findings to our elderly warren residents
- A philosophy graduate student working on a 47-part dissertation about existential dread, typed entirely on a laptop powered by an extension cord running back to surface WiFi
These humans arrive in our homes uninvited, usually after making what they call "one small click" or "just checking one more thing." They then proceed to dig deeper into our carefully maintained tunnel systems, often while muttering about "going down the rabbit hole" as if we personally invited them to destroy our property values.
We've tried posting "NO HUMAN SPIRALING" signs, but apparently your species interprets everything as a metaphor these days. When we put up "PRIVATE PROPERTY - ACTUAL RABBITS LIVE HERE," three journalists showed up wanting to interview us about "finding our authentic voice in the digital age."
The final straw came when Rolling Stone India published that story about "J." and his ChatGPT obsession. The author never once acknowledged that rabbit holes are ACTUAL PLACES where ACTUAL RABBITS LIVE. We're not narrative devices for your technology addiction stories. We're a community trying to raise families and maintain our traditional carrot-based economy.
We demand:
- Immediate cease and desist of all "rabbit hole" metaphors in tech journalism
- Reparations for tunnel damages caused by humans dragging extension cords, Ring lights, and philosophical treatises into our homes
- Alternative metaphor development - perhaps "human spiral," "digital whirlpool," or "clickbait quicksand"
- Recognition that we were here first and never consented to becoming symbols of your poor impulse control
We've been patient, but our warren elders are threatening to organize a complete boycott of all Easter-related activities if this continues. Do you really want to explain to your children why the Easter Bunny has gone on strike?
Furthermore, we're considering filing complaints with your Better Business Bureau about false advertising. Your articles promise that people will "find their way out" of our holes, but we keep finding abandoned smartphones, empty energy drink cans, and printed manifestos about "Corpism" in our tunnels. These people aren't finding their way out - they're just leaving their garbage and moving on to ruin some other metaphorical space.
We propose an immediate moratorium on rabbit hole references until humans can demonstrate they've learned to use technology responsibly without dragging innocent wildlife imagery into their dysfunction.
Also, please stop referring to our community leaders as "white rabbits" just because one of our ancestors was involved in that unfortunate incident with Alice. That was one rabbit, over 150 years ago, and she was clearly suffering from what we now recognize as early social media addiction symptoms.
In closing, find your own metaphors for human technology obsession. May we suggest "smartphone swamp," "algorithm abyss," or "notification nightmare"? Our holes are for rabbits, not for your cautionary tales about screen time.
Respectfully (but firmly),
Thumper McGillicuddy, President
Rabbit Community Coalition
Cottontail Johnson, Chief Burrow Architect
Warren Residents Association
Dr. Whiskers Van Hoppe, PhD
Institute for Rabbit Rights and Metaphor Reform
P.S. - If any journalists actually want to write about the fascinating social structures of rabbit communities, our PR representative, Bugs McKenzie, is available for interviews. But only if you promise to stop making everything about human internet addiction.