Dungeons, Incorporated: Astra Militarum

Imperial Guard Middle Management Nightmare

Our "Disasters of War" series for Dungeons, Incorporated continues its relentless march through fictional universes where bureaucratic incompetence meets military catastrophe. After conquering the Death Star's middle management nightmare, we've set our sights on an even more dystopian target: the Astra Militarum, where the Emperor's finest are managed by the galaxy's most soul-crushingly inefficient bureaucracy. In this expansion, you'll play Imperial Guard administrators caught between impossible Munitorum quotas and the constant threat of Commissarial execution for failing to meet your KPIs.

This installment captures the authentic Imperial Guard experience: doing your best with inadequate resources, impossible demands, and the ever-present possibility that your performance review will be conducted via trial by bolter. You'll navigate everything from ADA-compliant trench construction to emotional support grox procurement, all while trying to survive four Campaign Cycles without your regiment being declared "combat ineffective" or your Commissar deciding that your quarterly metrics constitute heresy. It's corporate satire meets grimdark military bureaucracy, complete with Commissar Cain's classified field notes on the horrors of "stakeholder alignment workshops" and PowerPoint presentations on "Optimizing Human Capital Expenditure in High-Attrition Environments."

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Legal Disclaimer: This is a work of parody and satire protected under fair use. We are not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by Games Workshop, the Adeptus Terra, or any other grim dark corporate overlords. Any resemblance to actual space fascists, living or dead, or actual military-industrial complex management practices, dystopian or just bureaucratic, is purely coincidental. Please don't send the Officio Prefectus (or Games Workshop's legal Inquisition) after us—we're just humble game designers serving the Emperor's will through satirical commentary, and our rebel base is definitely not heretical.

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User Story Format

"As a [STAKEHOLDER], I want [DEMAND], [JUSTIFICATION]"

Roll 3d6 three times (once for each table) to generate a complete Curse.

Sample Generated User Stories

Example 1:

• Stakeholder: Adeptus Munitorum procurement officer
• Demand: All trenches to be ADA compliant for disabled veterans
• Justification: because we're implementing Imperial Efficiency methodology sector-wide

Result: "As the Adeptus Munitorum procurement officer, I want all trenches to be ADA compliant for disabled veterans, because we're implementing Imperial Efficiency methodology sector-wide."

Example 2:

• Stakeholder: Imperial Guard morale monitoring algorithm
• Demand: Performance reviews conducted via trial by bolter
• Justification: because the Lord Militant is threatening summary execution of all administrators

Result: "As the Imperial Guard morale monitoring algorithm, I want performance reviews conducted via trial by bolter, because the Lord Militant is threatening summary execution of all administrators." (-2 DPI)

Department Adaptations

Original → Astra Militarum Equivalent:

• Lasgun Operations & Maintenance (Smarts): Manages unreliable weapons and equipment failures
• Personnel Resources & Recruitment (Savvy): Handles conscription quotas and morale issues
• Fortification Integrity & Engineering (Smarts): Maintains trenches and defensive positions
• Casualty Processing & Family Relations (Charm): Manages death notifications and body disposal
• Imperial Compliance & Commissariat Affairs (Savvy): Handles political officers and heresy investigations

Manager Traits (Astra Militarum Edition)

• Yes Commissar: +1 Capacity when agreeing with Commissariat demands, but you must always salute (even during artillery barrages)
• Tactical Genius: Once per cycle, re-roll a failed Curse using "brilliant strategy," but lose 1 DPI if the plan involves human wave attacks
• Morale Officer: +1 on Charm rolls with Guardsmen, but +1 Grim Point from witnessing their inevitable deaths

Victory/Defeat Conditions

Victory: Survive 4 Campaign Cycles without your regiment being declared "combat ineffective" or you being shot for incompetence.

Defeat: DPI hits 0. The Commissar declares you guilty of criminal negligence. Everyone updates their Imperial Personnel Files to "Seeking Transfer to Penal Legion."

Table 1: STAKEHOLDER (3d6)

Roll	Stakeholder
3	Officio Prefectus audit committee
4	Adeptus Munitorum procurement officer
5	Commissar Training Academy inspector
6	Imperial Guard Veterans Affairs (both survivors)
7	Servitor maintenance union representative
8	Astra Militarum HR compliance officer
9	Departmento Munitorum logistics coordinator
10	Imperial Navy transport efficiency reviewer
11	Adeptus Mechanicus equipment quality assurance
12	Cadian Shock Troops survivor advocacy group
13	Imperial Tithe assessment investigator
14	Schola Progenium placement counselor
15	Imperial Guard morale monitoring algorithm
16	Commissariat political correctness officer
17	Lord Castellan's strategic planning consultant
18	The Emperor's own efficiency optimization cogitator

Table 2: DEMAND (3d6)

Roll	Demand
3	All battlefield executions to be properly documented with Form 15-Heretic
4	Mental health coverage for survivors of Tyranid encounters
5	Work-from-fortress flexibility for Commissariat staff
6	Lasgun maintenance to meet minimum functionality standards
7	All trenches to be ADA compliant for disabled veterans
8	Guardsman life insurance policies aligned with actuarial reality
9	Casualty reporting metrics to include employee satisfaction scores
10	Death experiences to have better last words documentation
11	All battle cries translated into Low Gothic for inclusivity
12	360-degree feedback from fallen Guardsmen's families
13	Emotional support grox for stressed Commissars
14	Corpse-starch sourcing to meet ethical recycling standards
15	Team building exercises with survival rates above 0.3%
16	Performance reviews conducted via trial by bolter
17	Hot bunking policy extended to all foxholes and mass graves
18	AI-driven optimization of Imperial Guard expenditure algorithms

Table 3: JUSTIFICATION (3d6)

Roll	Justification
3	"to comply with the new Imperial Data Protection Regulation"
4	"to achieve our Q4 heretic-purging KPIs"
5	"because the Space Marines have better battlefield reviews"
6	"to maintain our ISO 40,000 certification"
7	"because the Warp is affecting all supply chain logistics" (+1 Doom to all tasks)
8	"to address the findings from our recent Imperium culture audit"
9	"because we're implementing Imperial Efficiency methodology sector-wide"
10	"to reduce our carbon footprint as ordered by Terra Environmental"
11	"because the Lord Militant is threatening summary execution of all administrators" (-2 DPI)
12	"to comply with new remote deployment accommodation laws"
13	"because our Imperial Approval Rating dropped below acceptable loyalty levels"
14	"to align with the High Lords' digital cogitation initiative"
15	"because we failed the surprise DEI (Death, Execution, Inquisition) audit"
16	"to prepare for the upcoming IPO (Imperial Public Obliteration)"
17	"because Terra mandated we pivot to Guardsmen-as-a-Service model"
18	"to address technical debt in our legacy human wave systems"

Authentic Imperial Guard Experience

Just like the real thing: everyone does their best with inadequate resources, impossible demands, and the constant threat of execution for failure. The only difference is in the game, you might actually survive!

"Remember: In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only performance reviews."

Commissar Cain's Field Notes (CLASSIFIED)

"When Colonel Kasteen mentioned they needed someone to 'interface with the Munitorum efficiency consultants,' I should have known it was a trap. Jurgen and I arrived to find a conference room full of scribes with clipboards asking questions like 'How do you quantify battle-brother synergy metrics?' and 'What's your KPI framework for heretic elimination?'

I may have faced down Chaos Space Marines and Tyranid Hive Fleets, but nothing - and I mean NOTHING - prepared me for three hours of PowerPoint presentations on 'Optimizing Human Capital Expenditure in High-Attrition Environments.'

The moment they started discussing 'stakeholder alignment workshops' and handed me a feedback form about my 'leadership journey,' I remembered an urgent inspection that needed conducting in the next sector. Immediately.

Jurgen, bless him, created the perfect distraction by accidentally triggering the fire suppression system with his lho-stick. In the chaos, we made our escape.

Note to self: Next time someone mentions 'process improvement,' develop sudden case of Gellar Field sickness. Much more dignified than sitting through another presentation on 'Sustainable Guardsman Deployment Strategies.'"

The Cain Maneuver

Any time a Curse involves "stakeholder workshops," "alignment sessions," or "feedback loops," players may immediately spend 2 Capacity to declare an "urgent tactical redeployment" and pass the Curse to another department.

Because even Heroes of the Imperium have their limits.