Amateur Hour: The Vermillion Affair
A one-shot heist caper for a crew whose optimism far outstrips their ability
Players: 1 GM, 1 Schemer, 1+ Minions (2–4 total) | Time: 45–60 minutes | You Need: 2d6, pencils, this document
THE SETUP
The seaside city of San Fiore clings to steep hillsides above a glittering harbour. Pastel buildings in faded coral and yellow crowd narrow streets lined with orange trees. Funiculars rattle between the old town and the waterfront, packed with tourists and locals who treat the near-vertical ride as routine. Laundry lines cross above cobblestone alleys, Vespas weave through impossibly tight corners, and every rooftop terrace has a view of the sea. The city smells like espresso, sea salt, and warm stone.
The Galleria Reale di San Fiore — a crumbling baroque palace converted into the city's art museum — is hosting Masterworks in Transit, a traveling exhibition of iconic paintings on loan from institutions across the continent. The crown jewel: La Donna Vermiglia ("The Vermillion Lady"), a luminous portrait by a long-dead master, said to be worth more than the building that houses it. It arrives tomorrow. It leaves in five days. Security has been "upgraded."
Your crew wants it.
HOW TO PLAY
Roll 2d6 + Stat when the outcome is uncertain.
Foam-Padding: Nobody gets hurt. Ever. 0 HP = describe a slapstick mishap (chandelier to the head, pratfall into a fountain), reset to full HP immediately, and carry on. Cartoon physics apply. Falls produce dust clouds, not injuries. Explosions produce soot and indignity.
Failure moves the story forward. A failed roll never stops the action — it redirects it somewhere funnier.
MAKE YOUR CREW
The Schemer
You are the self-declared criminal genius behind this operation. Your confidence vastly exceeds your competence.
Stats: Distribute 3 points across Charm (panache, declarations, gloating), Mind (cunning, improvisation, gadgets), and Body (running, climbing, crashing with flair). No stat higher than 2.
Pick one Special Ability (use once per scene):
- "Behold!" — +1 to any roll, announced theatrically
- "According to Plan" — +1 Mind when improvising after disaster
- "Villainous Monologue" — +1 Charm when explaining your brilliance
- "Dramatic Exit" — +1 Body when fleeing through smoke or debris
Pick one piece of Signature Gear (+3 to one roll per scenario):
- Ridiculous Disguise (wig, monocle, dramatic cape)
- Blueprint Scroll (technically accurate, practically useless)
- Smoke Pellets (for exits)
- Theatrical Props (impressive but functionless)
HP: 5
The Minions
Enthusiastic amateurs in matching jumpsuits, loyal beyond reason.
Stats: Distribute 3 points across Body / Mind / Charm (most are 1/1/1).
Pick one Special Ability (once per scene):
- "Helpful Idiot" — +1 when assisting someone; describe how you nearly ruin it
- "Lucky Stumble" — +1 Body when falling reveals something useful
- "Sincere Confusion" — +1 Charm when a misunderstanding accidentally charms
- "Overenthusiasm" — +1 to any roll, but something else breaks
Pick one Quirk: Drops things at dramatic moments / speaks in malapropisms / afraid of pigeons / extremely literal / states wrong facts confidently / accidentally presses buttons.
HP: 5
The Companion — Lupo
A large, grey, deeply unimpressed cat. Lupo does not roll dice. Lupo has narrative authority.
The GM plays Lupo using one move per scene, chosen when dramatically appropriate:
- Assist-with-a-Sigh — Lupo does the functional thing no one else managed. No roll. It just works. The Schemer takes credit.
- Sabotage-by-Obedience — Lupo follows an instruction too literally, causing chaos that accidentally creates an opportunity.
- The Smug Rescue — When everything collapses, Lupo pads out of the wreckage carrying something valuable. No one thanks him.
Lupo cannot be harmed. He watches disasters unfold from a safe distance, then saunters over to help. Lupo intervenes sparingly; his role is to keep things kind, not to make them work.
The Contraption — The Vermillion Extractor Mark IV
An elaborate, custom-built device assembled in the back of a rented van. It definitely will not work as intended.
Components (the Schemer describes these proudly): A suction-cup climbing rig, an extendable mechanical arm, a laser pointer "guidance system," a portable fog machine, and far too many pulleys.
Contraption Integrity Track — the GM advances this when dramatically appropriate:
Reach Level 5 by the climax of Scene 3.
THE SCENARIO
Scene 1 — The Briefing (8–10 minutes)
Location: A rented room above a harbourside café. The shutters are open. Seagulls are stealing bread from the table.
The Schemer unveils the plan: infiltrate the Galleria during tomorrow night's opening gala, swap La Donna Vermiglia for a replica (a print from the gift shop, slightly crumpled), extract via the service corridor, and escape by funicular to the harbour.
What happens:
- The Schemer presents the blueprint (mostly arrows and optimistic labels).
- The Contraption is demonstrated. Something immediately malfunctions. Advance Integrity to Level 1.
- A Minion is sent to reconnoitre the Galleria and returns with complications: the painting is in the Sala Grande, a domed hall on the second floor. The only service entrance is through the kitchen, which is being used by the gala caterers. The building's ancient freight elevator is "temperamental."
- Companion Move suggestion: Lupo uses Assist-with-a-Sigh — while the crew argues about the blueprint, Lupo knocks a tourist brochure off the table, which falls open to a floor plan of the Galleria. Nobody acknowledges this.
Scene ends when the crew heads to the Galleria, one complication already active.
Scene 2 — The Complication (12–15 minutes)
Location: The Galleria Reale during the opening gala. String quartet. Champagne. Well-dressed patrons. The Sala Grande gleams under a chandelier the size of a small car.
The crew's entry: Through the kitchen, disguised as caterers (the disguises are bad). Or however they improvise.
Complications (deploy 3–5 as needed):
- The Kitchen Gauntlet (Body) — navigating a chaotic kitchen full of shouting chefs, swinging trays, and a sous-chef who keeps asking for help with the risotto.
- The Freight Elevator (Mind) — the ancient lift requires a specific sequence of button presses. The panel labels are in faded cursive. It stops between floors regularly.
- Inspector Ferro (Charm) — a local police inspector attending the gala, deeply suspicious but easily distracted by flattery and canapés. Stats: Body 1, Mind 1, Charm 2, HP 3.
- The Laser Grid — the "upgraded security" around La Donna Vermiglia consists of visible red beams that look impressive but are triggered by the draft from the air conditioning every few minutes, so the guards have started ignoring them.
- The Contraption Acts Up — activating the mechanical arm in the Sala Grande produces an unexpected grinding noise. Advance Integrity to Level 3–4.
Companion Move suggestion: Lupo uses Sabotage-by-Obedience — told to "watch the door," Lupo sits directly in a doorway, forcing Inspector Ferro to take a long detour through the sculpture wing.
Scene ends when the crew has reached the painting and multiple things are going wrong simultaneously.
Scene 3 — The Spectacular Collapse (15–20 minutes)
Location: The Sala Grande. Full chaos.
Everything happens at once:
- The Contraption's suction arm latches onto the painting — and onto the wall behind it, and begins pulling chunks of decorative plaster loose.
- The fog machine activates involuntarily, filling the Sala Grande with theatrical haze. Patrons assume this is part of the exhibition.
- The ancient chandelier begins to sway (something is load-bearing that shouldn't be).
- Inspector Ferro arrives, champagne flute in hand, demanding explanations.
- A Minion accidentally activates the gallery's fire suppression sprinklers.
- The freight elevator begins descending on its own with the Contraption still attached by cable.
GM Goal: Give every player a spotlight moment. Let them attempt increasingly desperate rolls. Advance the Integrity Track to Level 5 at the dramatically perfect instant.
SPECTACULAR CATASTROPHE: The Contraption tears free from the wall in a shower of gilded plaster. The chandelier swings, catches the cable, and crashes magnificently into the centre of the room (everyone dives clear — cartoon physics, nobody scratched). The sprinklers drench the gala guests, the fog machine fills the Sala Grande until visibility drops to zero, and somewhere in the haze Inspector Ferro is shouting about Interpol. In the confusion, the crew bolts through the service corridor, slides down the disabled freight elevator shaft on the Contraption's cable — one after another, like a zip line in a Saturday morning cartoon — and tumbles out of the building into a San Fiore alley.
They are soaking wet, covered in plaster dust, and do not have the painting. A stray cat watches them from a windowsill, unimpressed.
Companion Move suggestion: Lupo uses The Smug Rescue — he pads out of the smoke carrying something in his mouth. Not La Donna Vermiglia. A small gilded frame from the gift shop containing a postcard of the painting. It is, technically, worth about four euros.
THE AFTERMATH
The crew regroups on a bench overlooking the harbour. The lights of San Fiore reflect on the water. A warm breeze carries the sound of someone playing accordion two streets over. Somewhere behind them, sirens wail and Inspector Ferro is giving a very confused statement to the press, gesturing wildly with a champagne flute he forgot he was still holding.
The Schemer speaks first. Something about how this was a reconnaissance mission, actually. A dry run. The real job is next week, once the exhibition moves to the Palazzo Stellamare across the bay. The Contraption just needs a few adjustments — specifically, fewer pulleys and a better fog machine. The plan was sound. It was the chandelier that was the variable they hadn't accounted for.
Lupo sits on the bench beside them, cleaning plaster dust from one paw with immense dignity.
A Minion asks if anyone wants gelato. Another Minion is already walking toward the shop on the corner.
They go get gelato. The Schemer is already sketching on a napkin.
GM CHEAT SHEET
Your job: The crew is not expected to succeed at the heist. Failure is the intended outcome. Make that failure spectacular. You are not trying to stop the players — you are trying to ensure the most entertaining disaster possible.
Ask yourself: "What would make this funnier?" / "How can this go wrong helpfully?" / "What would happen in a cartoon?"
When stuck: Have something activate accidentally. Have Inspector Ferro appear at the wrong moment. Have something turn out to be load-bearing. If time is short, advance the Integrity Track aggressively and cut directly to Scene 3.
Inspector Ferro: Vain, theatrical, fond of his own reflection in champagne flutes. He is convinced a sophisticated international ring is behind every petty crime in San Fiore. He is both the crew's greatest threat and their most reliable source of accidental help. He takes notes in a leather-bound journal and gets the details wrong every time.
Difficulty guidelines: Most rolls should be Difficulty 8. Make it 6 if you want them to succeed for pacing. Make it 10 if the situation is absurd.
NPCs can: get confused, get stuck, witness disasters, provide accidental help, remember details wrong. NPCs cannot: actually catch anyone permanently, cause real harm, or file accurate reports. The authorities are energetic but ineffective; they increase chaos, not danger.
End with: Collapse → Escape → Soot → Companion retrieves something → Schemer declares next plan → Everyone continues.
Pass the blueprints. Get the gelato. There's always next week.